Getting Over You (and Me)

 
This past year, from the beginning of January, I have been trying to get over this guy.

   First let me make it clear that we never were going out. Nor did we have any romantic relationship.  But I loved him.  Really, I did. And I'd been happy pining away, imagining things up until my friend called me and told me he got a girlfriend.  I was devastated is putting it nicely.  I went from hysterically laughing to sobbing to screaming to sobbing and laughing and repeated this all night.  I called my friends and sobbed, lay on the couch and sobbed.  Sobbed and sobbed.  It was horrible. I'd never felt so heartbroken.
  Some might say it's easier to get over a "crush", something that never really happened.  I've never dealt with a break-up (based on the fact that I've never dated anyone) but from my experience, trying to forget about something that never happened is really really difficult.  There's no closure, no goodbyes, no nothing because most of the time, the second half of the "relationship" has no fucking clue.  I remember my mom saying; "Eva, it's not like he cheated on you.  I mean, I understand that you liked him, but I mean, c'mon!"
  But in my mind, it was like he'd abandoned me, cheated on me and then left.  In my head, we were soulmates, he DID like me, it was a fact.  I'd basically created this whole romantic novel/movie in my head.  There was a backstory, a plot; boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy doesn't realize, boy has mind blowing experience where he realizes that him and girl are meant to be.  Boy finds girl, boy and girl fall in love, the end.  Simple enough, right? WHY COULD'NT HE FOLLOW MY PLAN?!
  When we create this perfect relationship, this holy thing that envelopes us in passion and yearning, it truly feels real.  When the time comes that we have to face reality and break it off with this fantasy it's not only losing that perfect ideal but it's also losing a little of yourself.  I felt so confused because I had built myself around this crazy fairytale, and now I was forced to face the stark reality leaving me to ask myself "Who am I?"
  Now, getting over this boy was hard.  I truthfully don't think I'm completely done with that part yet. But I do know that I've refound myself. It took A LOT.  I went on a 6 week trip to Israel all summer, I tried to push myself, find my passions, get good at things, and yet every once in a while I'd feel this twinge, have a thought; "You weren't good enough.  You'll never be good enough."It's hard.  Because sometimes, I agree.  But, I have been lucky enough to find a part of me that combats these negative thoughts with positive ones.
  I know I'm not done yet, I still can't see pictures of him and his girlfriend (whom I still despise) without cringing and wanting to cry, but it's gotten better.  I've moved on.  I have other pots on the fire. At this point, I know not to upset myself.  I hope that soon I'll be able to see him and smile and say "So, how's life?"

Posted in: beliefs,boys,crushes,faith,girls,love,negative,positive,romance,sexism,women