Tobias You Blowhard!

To Celebrate Season Four of "Arrested Development" being released, Tobias Fünke, analrapist/actor, came and answered some burning questions for us with his knowledge of love, life and fame. 

Dear Tobias,
  I just finished my first year of college and have gained much more then my "Freshman fifteen", it's more like my Freshman Fifty.  I'm not used to my new body and I've been pretty self conscious about my looks since the middle of last semester.  I really want to boost my self confidence (I don't really want my self confidence to be based off of my looks though).  What are some ways for me to gain my confidence back without loosing all the weight?
Sincerly,
Freshman Fudge

Dear Fudge,
It's only natural for humans to want to look their best! It's no surprise that you lost so much confidence when you gained so much weight.  Although I could tell you the "feel good, it's not important how you look if your a good person, your beautiful" stuff that others might tell you, nor will I tell you what others consider confidence boosters like doing good deeds, or telling yourself you're beautiful.  I'm sure you've heard all of that hub bub from your loved ones, but listen to me, a analrapist you have never met, when I say, all of that stuff is kind of ridiculous and old fashioned (that advice was sooooo 2010 am I right?) In my opinion you should try some surgery, or how about a corset!? That will make others approve, which just HAS to bring back that self esteem! (Plus you'll look cool, I've heard vintage is hot hot hot!)
My apologies on your gain,
Dr. Tobias Fünke 

Dr. Tobias,
I just graduated from high school and have decided to move away from my hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina to the BIG city (Los Angeles) to become rich and famous! It's been my dream to become a hollywood movie star, like Kim Kardashian meets Meryl Streep (doesn't that sound so dreamy?) But now that I'm about to make the move, I don't know where to start, its so overwhelming.  I was wondering if you knew where I could start on the road to becoming a star! 
xoxoxoxoxo
Starla 
  
Oh young Starla, you have come to the right man!
As an actor, I know an infinite amount about showbiz, or as I like to call it "the biz".  As an aspiring actoress in the City of Angels, you must be strong and determined.  You will be let down time and time and time again, and over and over you will sit in your shower at night sobbing and scrubbing, just trying trying to get the stench of rejection of your disgusting middle-aged body.  But, I continue, to succeed you must have the skin of an elephant.  Also, get connections.  I'm a pretty great connection to have already (I know Carl Weathers PERSONALLY) but you should make as many friend in Hollywood as possible. "Connection, connection, connection" we in the biz like to say.  So if you happen to know anyone who is friends with Tom Cruise or even better Billy Crystal, kiss their behinds like there is no tomorrow!
Best of luck, you need it
Tobias Fünke, Actor Extraordinaire  

Mr. Fünke, 
I've been having troubles catching ladies.  I bought lots of good bait, but nothings biting. Got any tips for a man who needs love?
- Loverless


Dear Lover(less),
I know how you feel; although it's hard to believe looking at me now, I used to have lots of problems getting the lady folk.  But all you need is some self confidence! You are a man worthy of a thousand women's love.  Also a few pick up lines can always come in handy, my favorite is "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Try it out it works (sometimes). 
In hard times, I can give you all the lovin' you need good sir!
With all the love in my huge heart.
Tobias Fünke, Lover

 

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