All of my crushes
have been what some might call “tortured romances”, or what I call them,
one-way tortures romances. I’m a
passionate person, and I fall hard. Like really hard. A lot of girls have crushes, big and small,
but I tend to be over the top passionately intensely in a one-way relationship
with me, myself, and my picturesque version of the adorable boys I like.
My first crush
lasted from second to sixth grade. Yup, I had a four year long crush on my best
guy friend. I don’t really share my feelings,
and I kept it to myself, and it was like a tortured, passionate elementary school
relationship that I would think over during long spans of time while watching
“That’s So Raven” on Disney Channel. I
guess you could say it was pretty serious, I mean if I was thinking about him
and our imaginary life while watching my favorite show.
I know lots of
girls who have crushes, some gigantic and some tiny, but I have always been one
to go big. Big in the sense that I have liked
my crush for months, even years, pretty, much just a really, really long
time. But I never told them. Ever. Me
reveal my deep, dark feelings for a boy? I’d be more likely to travel to
Antarctica and live like a penguin for the rest of my life. I’m a pretty private person; I don’t talk
about my feelings with many people. Especially
people who I feel unsure about. This
bittersweet trait of mine has led to lots of heartache. (I say it’s bittersweet
because no one ever really gossips about me, since I say nothing. But on the
other hand, I don’t say anything, even when I should.)
Every time I like
a boy I usually make them about one thousand times better then they actually
are in my head. I make them my perfect
dream, my prince charming. He can cook, is Jewish, smart and sarcastic but not
a total jerk. Oh, one small important detail, also in my mind they’re head over
heels, completely and totally, passionately in love with me. This fantasy is safer then actually putting
myself out there, telling them how I feel, and putting myself in what I
consider a scary position. I really hate
rejection, I get embarrassed easily, and I’m not always comfortable in my own
skin, making me not the best person to have a serious heart to heart about my
fiery, passionate love for a guy I care about. I wish I could tell you, dear reader, that
these fantasies were satisfying. That
just imagining that the person I care about so much, cares about me just as
much is enough. But I couldn’t lie to
you. It’s not enough, not truly.
I’ve begun to
second-guess my passionate imaginary love life.
The guy I like now is fantastic in real life, and I truly adore
him. I’m pretty sure that there are some
of you out there who have the same way of handling these “one-sided tortured
romances”. But let me share this
thought with you, maybe our passion doesn’t need to be one sided. Maybe, if we open up, try new things, and put
ourselves out there we will get a great, loving, amazing, incredible and most
importantly, real, relationship. I know
it’s scary, I’m scared too but I think that it’s worth it. Of course, this totally won’t stop me from
imagining my dream guy, cooking with me while we make sarcastic comments
together, but it will take me step closer to turning my fantasy into a lovely
reality.
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