Getting Over You (and Me)

 
This past year, from the beginning of January, I have been trying to get over this guy.

   First let me make it clear that we never were going out. Nor did we have any romantic relationship.  But I loved him.  Really, I did. And I'd been happy pining away, imagining things up until my friend called me and told me he got a girlfriend.  I was devastated is putting it nicely.  I went from hysterically laughing to sobbing to screaming to sobbing and laughing and repeated this all night.  I called my friends and sobbed, lay on the couch and sobbed.  Sobbed and sobbed.  It was horrible. I'd never felt so heartbroken.
  Some might say it's easier to get over a "crush", something that never really happened.  I've never dealt with a break-up (based on the fact that I've never dated anyone) but from my experience, trying to forget about something that never happened is really really difficult.  There's no closure, no goodbyes, no nothing because most of the time, the second half of the "relationship" has no fucking clue.  I remember my mom saying; "Eva, it's not like he cheated on you.  I mean, I understand that you liked him, but I mean, c'mon!"
  But in my mind, it was like he'd abandoned me, cheated on me and then left.  In my head, we were soulmates, he DID like me, it was a fact.  I'd basically created this whole romantic novel/movie in my head.  There was a backstory, a plot; boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy doesn't realize, boy has mind blowing experience where he realizes that him and girl are meant to be.  Boy finds girl, boy and girl fall in love, the end.  Simple enough, right? WHY COULD'NT HE FOLLOW MY PLAN?!
  When we create this perfect relationship, this holy thing that envelopes us in passion and yearning, it truly feels real.  When the time comes that we have to face reality and break it off with this fantasy it's not only losing that perfect ideal but it's also losing a little of yourself.  I felt so confused because I had built myself around this crazy fairytale, and now I was forced to face the stark reality leaving me to ask myself "Who am I?"
  Now, getting over this boy was hard.  I truthfully don't think I'm completely done with that part yet. But I do know that I've refound myself. It took A LOT.  I went on a 6 week trip to Israel all summer, I tried to push myself, find my passions, get good at things, and yet every once in a while I'd feel this twinge, have a thought; "You weren't good enough.  You'll never be good enough."It's hard.  Because sometimes, I agree.  But, I have been lucky enough to find a part of me that combats these negative thoughts with positive ones.
  I know I'm not done yet, I still can't see pictures of him and his girlfriend (whom I still despise) without cringing and wanting to cry, but it's gotten better.  I've moved on.  I have other pots on the fire. At this point, I know not to upset myself.  I hope that soon I'll be able to see him and smile and say "So, how's life?"

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Me, Myself, and "You"

All of my crushes have been what some might call “tortured romances”, or what I call them, one-way tortures romances.  I’m a passionate person, and I fall hard. Like really hard.  A lot of girls have crushes, big and small, but I tend to be over the top passionately intensely in a one-way relationship with me, myself, and my picturesque version of the adorable boys I like.

My first crush lasted from second to sixth grade. Yup, I had a four year long crush on my best guy friend.  I don’t really share my feelings, and I kept it to myself, and it was like a tortured, passionate elementary school relationship that I would think over during long spans of time while watching “That’s So Raven” on Disney Channel.  I guess you could say it was pretty serious, I mean if I was thinking about him and our imaginary life while watching my favorite show. 

I know lots of girls who have crushes, some gigantic and some tiny, but I have always been one to go big.  Big in the sense that I have liked my crush for months, even years, pretty, much just a really, really long time.  But I never told them. Ever. Me reveal my deep, dark feelings for a boy? I’d be more likely to travel to Antarctica and live like a penguin for the rest of my life.  I’m a pretty private person; I don’t talk about my feelings with many people.  Especially people who I feel unsure about.  This bittersweet trait of mine has led to lots of heartache. (I say it’s bittersweet because no one ever really gossips about me, since I say nothing. But on the other hand, I don’t say anything, even when I should.) 

Every time I like a boy I usually make them about one thousand times better then they actually are in my head.  I make them my perfect dream, my prince charming. He can cook, is Jewish, smart and sarcastic but not a total jerk. Oh, one small important detail, also in my mind they’re head over heels, completely and totally, passionately in love with me.  This fantasy is safer then actually putting myself out there, telling them how I feel, and putting myself in what I consider a scary position.  I really hate rejection, I get embarrassed easily, and I’m not always comfortable in my own skin, making me not the best person to have a serious heart to heart about my fiery, passionate love for a guy I care about.  I wish I could tell you, dear reader, that these fantasies were satisfying.  That just imagining that the person I care about so much, cares about me just as much is enough.  But I couldn’t lie to you.  It’s not enough, not truly.

I’ve begun to second-guess my passionate imaginary love life.  The guy I like now is fantastic in real life, and I truly adore him.  I’m pretty sure that there are some of you out there who have the same way of handling these “one-sided tortured romances”.   But let me share this thought with you, maybe our passion doesn’t need to be one sided.  Maybe, if we open up, try new things, and put ourselves out there we will get a great, loving, amazing, incredible and most importantly, real, relationship.   I know it’s scary, I’m scared too but I think that it’s worth it.  Of course, this totally won’t stop me from imagining my dream guy, cooking with me while we make sarcastic comments together, but it will take me step closer to turning my fantasy into a lovely reality. 

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